doesn't matter

Hopelessly wishing you'll smile
Foolishly thinking someday you and I will be happy
Selfishly desiring you'll share your heart
Desperately dreaming of one day without frayed emotions
Vainly feeling for you
Futiley breathing
Despairingly crying.

Its almost Christmas

Growing up I looked forward to Christmas at Greatgrandmas. The minute my little body entered all I got was delicious food and love. The kids spent the entirety of the night running, playing, stealing food and of course taunting one another. The family would snowmobile and eat. We'd open presents and eat. Greatgrandma's front porch was always chilly but thats where the sugar was! Christmas was absolutly enchanting, it was my favorite.



I loved that house. It was perfect to my young, naive eyes. Ther was this smell that was always there and I loved it. The house had a chill; it was always cold, especially upstairs. I dreamed of growing up and living there. I'd have the steep winding stairs, the huge grate, the air vents, the dark drafty basement. I modeled my dream bedroom after one of the rooms upstairs. That room was always cold, the sheets would be freezing and I'd have to do scissor moves to try to heat it up. Laying there after the warmth came I listened to the laughter and talking from downstairs. The Dodge Center curfew siren would ring, the trains would rumble by and I would drift off to sleep. It was all so perfect to me. I dreamed of being old enough to stay up, old enough to do crafts with the ladies, and just plain being old. I never dreamed it would end.



Then Greatgrandpa died. The next Christmas the stool he and I would sit on was empty. I tried to fill it, but it was lonely. No one was there to tell me I had a bony butt or still lefsa with me. I never sat there very long anymore. Pulling off Christmas without Grandpa was too hard for Grandma. Christmas in Minnesota stopped.



When Christmas stopped, I quit seeing my whole family. I began to here the fighting and anger between them. Christmases always seemed to be missing something. Yet, everytime we visited Greatgrandma in her wonderful house it felt like Christmas. The house was still perfect, it was still mine.

Greatgrandma got sick. She had to sell the house, I was absolutely devasted. Then, Greatgrandma died. After the funeral, when she was really gone we drove past the house. It was dirty and small it looked run down. I thought the new owners must of really just let it go. How dare they?! That was my house! That was my dream! Suddenly Dad's voice broke through my rage, "Wow it hasn't changed at all." My jaw fell open, I was silent. My perfect house was icky? I closed my eyes and there it was, Christmas eve day. I'm being unloaded from the car, shooting through the tough screen door. I hug everyone, I find Annie, we play. I'm on Greatgrandpas lap stealing food, wishing I could help make lefsa. I'm on the back of a snowmobile, behind Todd. I love Todd. We drink hot chocolate. The Christmas tree finally peeks through as the stacks of presents are handed out. Then on go my homeade jamies. I'm sleepy. Mom and Dad load everything into the car, including me I'd already hugged everyone twice but I wanted one more before bed. I wave as sleep comes, my eyes close, and then open. Dad hadn't stopoped driving for my reverie. The house is gone, forever.

the whispers of a faint heart

Candi felt her heart begin the dangerous spiral. She wanted him, she was scared. She wanted to tell him, often her mouth parted slowly and she whispered what she wanted to say, he never heard. "I need you, I want you, I'm scared. You make me feel so many things, you make me feel safe and yet I know you could hurt me. I know you could take the fragile heart I've placed back together and shatter it all over again. I know i could end you. if i meant to or not, i could be your demise. Will you take me away from this?" He looked at her, her mouth clamped shut and she smiled. She knows he sees it, she knows he won't admit it. When he hugs her does she feel her trembling? Can he read her mind when he stares so deeply into her eyes...she wishes he could know.

this is for you

Take my grief, sorrow and pain

Yesterdays problems quickly fixed.

Lies, unfaithfulness, deceit

Easily you've mended all the scars

Readily I'll hand you myself


Dance with me just this once

Ask me to move closer

Vow to be there in the morning

Invite me to breakfast

Dont add me to your regrets


Allow me to touch your heart

Let me finger your soul

Bow to what you feel

Ask what you've been denying yourself

Understand

Give me your pain

Help me put our lives back together.