*boos*

I'm sorry

I am who I am

I feel the things I do

It seems I've failed

Nothing I do is ever right

Nothing I am is ever good enough

I come with feelings and the need for comfort

I leave with sobs and added self doubt

I'm sorry...

That I counted on you

Always Reliable

My feet hanging out the open window,

The radio up, bass beating,

Speedometer way past 55,

My hair is wild and free.



A clean empty notebook,

My favorite pen,

The smoothness of ink painting the picture

The page filling.



The smell of a new book,

Warmth and love from an old book,

Words flooding a page,

A life far away.



Family running to give hugs,

dirtying the kitchen to cook,

The phone ringing with an old friend on the other end,

A tennis ball bouncing off a racket.



The simple beauty that is everday life,

A sense of pea ce withing a tormented body,

The knowledge that simplicity is reliable.

comfort

My bed calls for me, whispering my name,

Pulling me into its wonderful warmth.

The pillows devour my stress and anxiety

My weak and weary body slips deeper into the worn mattress.

The blackness around me invades my sullen mind,

It fills the voids i feel.

The warmth overpowers that today, I have become.

Sleep conquers my depression.

This place, my place give me hope for a better tomorrow.

one lonely night too many

Months ago Candi had been flamboyantly happy. She had friends she would die for. She never doubted that they would do the same. She slept soundly, but if ever she awoke startled or scared Candi, had a dozen numbers she could call. Sometimes she needed to call them too. No one was ever angry over her sleep intruding phone calls. She felt loved, and secure.

Candi sighed. Now mere months later she had no one. It was 1:05 in the morning. She'd been in bed for two and a half hours now. She was lonely, she was heartsick, she needed someone. Her mind was so busy. She was a senior, the biggest decisions of her life. "What school am I even going to? Does it matter? How on earth will I afford it? I'll be in debt for my life! How in heaven will I be able to give that to my husband to stay home with the kids?" The voice in her head was tense. Candi could feel her stomach knot and her immune system falter. "What about chemistry? I don't need it, I don't like it. Why am I taking it? How about Spanish? My last test was rough, what if i just can't do it. Okay, I'm only human. I blanked, it happens, right?" Candi's body contorted around her pillows and blankets.

She picked her phone and flipped it open. "I want to call him" Her mind whimpered. She knew he didn't want her. He was her best friend, he'd never been anything more and he left her in the cold. He'd just thrown her out. For three years, he been there for her, she could count on him for everything. He knew her thoughts, her vulnerabitlities, he could protect her from herself. "He doesn't want me anymore." Her voice was lost in the black around her. Candi shut her phone and flung her head back on her pillow. "I could always call him, he was the one I always called. Now what? What am I supposed to do now?"

She reached again for her phone. "Call you boyfriend silly!" A voice popped into her head. A faint smile crossed Candi's lips as she began to dial the all two familiar number. Then she stopped, the smile left. The guilt prevented her fingers from hitting send. He had just gotten to bed, he had to get up in the morning. Besides, he'd probably just fall asleep. The phone dropped back to the mattress. "He's too busy for me. He's too tired for me. I couldn't wake him up. What would I say? 'I can't sleep.' or "oh, did i wake you?'" Candi knew he needed her to be strong, simply emotionless. Otherwise, he felt bad, felt guilty. If she had shed a tear in his presence, he would have to acknowledge his neglect. She would have to work her butt off to make him feel better. Emotionless was less work. Her eyes drifted to the clock, 2:37 A.M. "How slowly time passes in hell."

The lonliness Candi was shrouded in thickened. She needed someone. Again her five fingers groped blindly for her phone, her mind groped for a number. Suddenly a precious nickname, brought a flicker of hope into the dullness of her tired mind. "Call her, no wait, don't call her. I haven't talked to her for ages. She's been too in love for me. She's matured in Christ too much to talk without preaching." Air escaped Candi's pale lips. "That's not true, it just feels like it sometimes. I'm sure if I called she'd be there for me. But she would want to know what was going on. I couldn't explain I'm lonely. She was sick earlier this week, she needs her sleep. Her house doesn't have great signal, her phone probably wouldn't even ring. "

Candi shrank back into her darkness. She had never imagined being lonely. She had always believed only losers were lonely. That is what she felt like though, just one big loser.

The anxiety Candi felt pushed her to scroll through her contacts again. She stopped at a familiar name. Best friends for twelve years, they used to be so alike. She hadn't liked being like Candi though, she wanted to be different, her own person. Candi had seen it all, all her struggles to find who she was. Candi knew who she was the whole time. "Oh, baby doll. What happened to you? So pretty, so smart, so independent. Now look! Several pregnancy scares and a court date on tuesday. We were supposed to go to college together, but how? A 1.8 GPA and my high achieving nature don't mix well. Hours ago, she wascrying, fighting with Mom, I couldn't call her. She's probably just fallin asleep. She has trouble sleeping anyway, I couldn't call her." Candi's mind shriveled in horror as she began to think about that things that could happen to her best friend. Candi still wanted their kids to marry, for them to be neighbors, to grow old together (but only in years, their laughter would keep them young). Tonight though, Candi would let her best friend sleep.

Candi's mind finally came to the face she'd been hiding from. She wanted to pepper him with questions. Not tonight, tonight she wanted to find solace in him. He'd told her if she ever needed to call she could. "NO, I couldn't call. He'd think I'm crazy, a stalker of sorts. He doesn't know me well enough yet, not sure he wants to. On a related not I doubt he meant anytime like..." she rolled to look at the clock and groaned, "4:13 in the morning. He would be so annoyed, probably repulsed by my vulnerability. That is, if he's not already. Ugh, Why do I care?! Duh, because i like him and I want him to be there. I just want someone to not fail me. Though, I'm sure he will too." Candi's phone had slipped off the bed, but she didn't need to it to know no one would be there. She pushed the rubber repeat button of her remote and drifted into her music. Her music never failed her, it was always there.

Candi forced her eyes closed. She forced herself to breath; one deep breath, two deep breaths, three deep breaths. Finally Candi's body gave in to the desire to escape.There was no one to save her, no one to protect her. Candi's reslove and heart gave up on the people that months before had been her life. Sleep was a welcomed gift. The darkness of lonely mingled with the darkness of sweet slumber.

And in a fifteen mile radius five people woke up suddenly feeling as if they had lost something that had been around so long that they'd forgotten its exsistence.

sleepless

I keep hoping my eyes will close

I'm praying my body will succumb to sleep

Just a few months ago, on a sleepless night like this

I had people to call, people I can count on.

Now I'm wide awake with no one.

It's guilt that keeps me from dialing,

Fear that keeps me from calling.

Am i just being ridiculous?

If the phone rings jarring him from his sleep will he be annoyed?

Angry?

My mind battles itself.

He said "anytime" but he must have been unaware that meant 12:49 on a school night.

I run my hand through my ensnarled hair,

I glance at my phone but there is no one there.

Tonight my world is empty.